Monday, June 26, 2006


TO HERE. Adjust your sets.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Christ, this thing is still here?

Man, the Internet keeps everything.

The Internment Hour will soon be moving here:

Keep you posted,

Monday, August 22, 2005

I Want My Money Back

So my childhood, like that of so many of my peers and contemporaries, was spent predominantly in the company of various brightly-colored, cheap plastic toys. The average life-span of one of these toys was anywhere from one (1) to three (3) years before their usefulness as entertainment was outlived, or they had been broken through a lack of self-knowledge of my own strength. Enforced obsolescence is the name of the game in late-capitalism, the oil that keeps the engine running, but surely one can expect more than a year or two's worth of entertainment from something that elicited so much--for lack of a better word--love from my underdeveloped emotional tide-pool. In short, I want my money back. Below I've enumerated the various pieces of my childhood that were nothing more than overpriced ephemera blowing through the Elysian Field of my younger days. Prices listed are U.S. 1988 dollars, and recompense, via check, should be made out to me. Email for details.

Transformers (Hasbro):

These were my absolute favorite growing up, from ca 1984 to ca. 1989, from the Autobots' leader Optimus Prime; to Blaster, the one that transformed into a cassette deck (or "ghetto blaster," in the unfortunate contemporary parlance); even Goldbug, who transformed into nothing so mundane as a '60's-era Volkswagen Beetle, I had boxes and boxes of them, all either forsaken or broken by the time I discovered video games in the early '90's. All told, I had collected 84 different Transformers toys, as well as seeing the 1986 animated film in theaters (notable for being my introduction to the great Orson Welles, who played a sentient planet). Many of them ended up in pieces, as screws would come flying out of joints, or they would simply snap in half. They ranged in price from $9.99 all the way up to $74.99 for the largest one, Scorponok, who transformed into what I called then "an awesome giant scorpion," and would now refer to as merely a blip on my subconscious. I also had the cardboard playset, which tore in half on first play-session.

Total cost: $1657.28

Lego brand building blocks (Lego)

What could have been a young child's introduction to the fascinating world of engineering intead turned out to be nothing more than another set of plastic building blocks, and their creative potential was less than inspiring. During my Lego years (ca. 1984-1988), I found my experience to be that if I followed the directions included in the set, whatever I made would come out perfectly, but there was nothing in that set-up that encouraged the sort of problem-solving and spatial-relations skills necessary to build, for instance, a space station. In retrospect, this was my introduction to failure and obscurity. I found out later that Lego sets are ridiculously priced--then in the neighborhood of $19.99 to $24.99 for a mid-sized set--for instance, the gas station set. The Lego Corporation is based in Denmark--this was how I found out where Denmark was, which piece of information has served no subsequent purpose in my life.

Total cost: $649.78

Hot Wheels and Matchbox die-cast miniature model automobiles (Mattel)

From ca. 1983-1989 I acquired a collection of 254 miniature cars in these brands. at anywhere from $4.99 to $9.99 each, they certainly looked "cool," but served no real purpose. The cheap plastic tracks never worked as they should, and over time would warp into unusable shapes. Eventually, after many hours of vigorously rubbing one against a desktop and making engine noises with my mouth to simulate the racing experience, the axles would bend and wheels would come flying off. Also, it was never said anywhere on the packaging that these miniature model automobiles should not be used on carpet, as it would get stuck and made the car un-vroom-able.

Total cost: $1902.46

These are just the major brand-name toys that hold too much pull on my childhood. Perhaps more will be added in the future, but I feel I'm making my point with this list right here. In short, I want my childhood back from these creators of mindless entertainment, and I feel that monetary remuneration is only fair.

The total tally comes to: $4209.52

With seven percent sales tax added: $4504.19

Converted to 2005 dollars: $7409.39

This is the total cost of the bulk of my childhood. I expect to hear from representatives of the relevant parties forthwith. Thank you for your time.

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Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Management (????-2005)

WOLF BLITZER: It's being reported by the Associated Press this morning that The Management, the corporate head, face, arms, and legs of Internment Industries, has died in the midst of his week-long well strike. While the details of his death are publicly unknown at this point, we were told by a masked spokesman from the corporation that Management's body is being brought back to Internment Island, where, reportedly, it will lie in state as part of a theme park attraction being built there. To discuss the ramifications of The Management's life and work, as well as his failure to effect change down in the well that killed him, we have with us Donna Brazille and Mary Matalin. Now Donna, we'll start with you, I guess the foremost question on everyone's mind now is, Where do we go from here? Surely social issues will crop up from time to time that need easy yes-or-no answers that please everyone. Where do we go now?

DONNA BRAZILLE: Well, realistically, I think his accomplishments should now be looked at critically. What, precisely, did he do? I was a child when he cured smallpox, but it still runs rampant around the world, for instance. But as for the social issues he solved, I have to say I've never been entirely pleased by his abortion decision. It seems, in retrospect, too pat to really be workable now that he's not around.

MARY MATALIN: I have to agree with Donna for once. (ALL laugh) I mean, realistically, we're still going to continue to have problems that require worldwide attention. And we're going to need easy, immediate answers. But this is nothing that an unregulated business can't handle--

BRAZILLE: Oh, you're not still calling for the deregulation o--

MATALIN: In order to have industry work properly, I've said it a thousand times, we need to get the government out of it, so the market can thrive--

BRAZILLE: I can't believe you're saying this, the man just died!

MATALIN: I know he did, and it's very sad, I'm just saying we need to look at the vacuum he's left and fill it with the right people as soon as possible, and having the government interfere--

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Thursday, August 04, 2005

management well strike, day whatever

hello? is anyone there? i can't even tell anymore if anyone's listening at all. it's so cold down here. i'm so hjungry. the news crews have all gone, condi's left, and we never even got around to negotiating my kingship of the new sovereign state of internmentia i was planning. the shift key on this keyboard is waterlogged, and they tricked me into letting donnell, or whatever his name was, out before all my demands were met. if anyone is still reading this, tell my midget underlings to give their time sheets to the odalisque in human resources, and she'll sort it out. god bless you. i tried. but you're all doomed now. i'm sorry.

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